What is love?

Such a question. I am sure it has been asked thousands of time before. I tend to think of love as a maze. A maze that I haven't found the right path through yet. I have been close. Close enough to feel it. But then a wall shows up. An unexpected wall. As if the wall grew out of the ground without me knowing it.
It came to my mind today that it is possible that I will never love a woman again. It is so rare that I find a woman I can love. The good news is that I can usually tell that I could love a particular woman instantly when I meet her. I wish a woman would pop up into my life that I could love. I would do all the work after the popping. The popping has always been the hard part. In the past I did pretty well after the popping, even if things didn't work out in the end. I knew I did my best and really couldn't have changed the outcome.
During my thoughts of love today, a question came to my mind. A question that I have sometimes asked but never knew the answer. Did Winnie* love me? I certainly loved her. My suspicion was she didn't love me. But a thought of something she told me came to mind. What she told me isn't important, it was the way she told me. We kind of both knew what she was going to tell me was going to lead to the end. Looking back, the way she told me, the way she spoke, I am confident she loved me. Undoubtedly (my favorite word by the way) my love was more than her love. For whatever reason this came to mind today. What it means I have no idea.
I get feelings in life. Most of these feelings come true. I have a very strong feeling that some day I will run into Winnie*. I hope to have a wonderful conversation with her and then walk away smiling.
Looking forward to that moment with WONDER...
Kevin

A picture is worth a 1000 memories, even if you didn't take it

I wish I took this picture. It is just like a picture I would take, but I didn't. I love the silhouettes and the steam coming off the lake. I am positive I stood in the exact spot this picture was taken. I have swam in the lake. I have jumped in the early morning motionless water. I understand what these people feel. They are at camp. They are spending their summer in a place that people can't understand unless they experience it. I experienced what it was like to swim in that lake and to live for 8 weeks in the surrounding tree lined landscape.
I didn't take this picture, but I wish I did. I wish I could stand on the edge of the water once again knowing now what I didn't know then. Knowing to cherish the time, the experience, the learning, the people, the beauty, the uniqueness...
I could so easily return. But yet it will take sacrifice. Not life ending sacrifice. Just a bit of risk and the possibility of uncomfortableness. This picture I did not take makes me want to return. I wish someone, something would tell me the right decision.
Looking at the picture I didn't take with WONDER
Kevin

It is Time to Jump

A four day weekend I am having right now. Sometimes I like to talk like Yoda. Not really, I was just having trouble starting this entry. Four days of freedom. Four days which allowed me to do anything I wanted to. A four day weekend is so much more flexible than the normal 2 day weekend. So what am I doing with the four day weekend? Nothing different than a normal 2 day weekend. I had several options which included a trip to Vegas, a fly by the seat of our pants trip with a friend, or a journey by myself. But I chose to do nothing special. Thoughts of security have traveled through my mind a lot lately. Specifically that I am living life to safe, because I don't want to take a risk. Is this an age thing? Is it a laziness thing? Have I chose not to send an application off to camp because of the possibility of being uncomfortable? I have always been one to not shy away from work. But lately it seems that I think to myself, it would be so much easier not to... I need to take a chance. I need to step out of my comfort zone. I need to jump. I need to see where a change takes me.
I need to look ahead with WONDER and just do it...
Kevin

In recent years Super Bowl Sunday has been a day filled with anxiety. I don't know if anxiety is the right word. It is a day that things tend to come to a head after a long build up. This is what causes the anxiety. A few years ago I learned Winnie* was engaged while I read an email on Super Bowl Friday (is there such a day?). Of course my weekend was pretty much me pondering life and finally Sunday morning I decided my course of action. I remember going to a friend's to watch the game. I felt horrible and kept on thinking people had to be able to tell. Who knows what would have happened if Winnie* and I would have had more of a future. But one thing is for sure life has been pretty good without her.
Last year on Super Bowl Sunday I learned a group of friends were being less than friendly. The new knowledge hurt and again caused the day to be not a celebratory as it should have been. But again after some thought and luck I discovered a new outlook which still helps me to this day.
Again this year, Super Bowl Week has been one filled with lots of thoughts and a bit of anxiety. To be honest this "situation" is not as troublesome as the other two I mentioned, but it is no less thought provoking. My thoughts have been filled with summer plans. As you can read about in a previous post, I am contemplating returning to work at a summer camp. I sent off an initial email and got a response. Now I have to decided my next step. I know this sounds like a nonconsequental decision, but camp has a special place in my sole. My previous experience affected me greatly. I have always thought about returning and now is my chance. To say yes is to take a risk and head off to something I might regret. People say you can never go back. To say no is to close a door on something that has always been a, "what if...".
Looking ahead to my pending decision with WONDER...
Kevin

Said Woman* tends to keeping on saying things

Said Woman*, as you could read about in previous posts, was a woman I briefly dated a while back. We didn't date for long but she sticks out in my mind as the ideal date. The thing is she still tends to pop up in my life every so often. It happened again this past week. My job as a teacher caused me to come in contact with her and the organization she works for. In one of her two responding emails to me, the only one direct soley to me and not the other teachers I work with, she thanked me for being a "champion" for the cause. Honestly I am not a champion, I just know they do good things and are willing to point people in their direction. It is tough to see compliments from her. I am the "amazing" guy (her words, not mine) that she couldn't find a thing wrong with except for the missing something special.
As I closed the email I noticed that her maiden name was back. In the email I received from her just a month ago her new married name was present. For whatever reason, this made me smile.
Looking ahead with WONDER...
Kevin